Coffee Shop, Here I Come!

So, I finally took the first step towards owning a business and enrolled in a class taught by the Northeast Entrepreneur Fund. Thus far it's been very enlightening.

I hope to have a business plan completed in the next month or so... At least a rough draft.

It's exciting and terrifying at the same time. The first big step I need to make is to find an investor and/or a business partner, as my assets are in the negative right now. I also need to pay down debt. Like, big time. Which means I have to start spending less. Which means I have to cut down... On coffee. Akkkk!

Big changes ahead!

ARBY'S IS THE DEVIL!

I'm a firm believer in moderation... although "to believe" and "to do" are very different things...



Thus, when dieting, there's no point in cutting the "bad" foods that you love to hate out of your diet entirely. Especially when you don't want to do it... you're just setting yourself up for failure! Instead, you should eat these foods in MODERATION! At least that's what I think. But since I am not a personal trainer or a dietitian (in fact, I'm attempting to lose ten pounds as we speak), you probably shouldn't listen to me. Whatever.

So, ANYWAY, over the last two months I've been finding ways to fit in the foods I (hate to) love in a sensible way. Such as: I still get a Peppermint Twist Mocha from Starbucks almost every day (that place is practically a swearword among my liberal hippie friends--DEFINITELY a shop I love to hate), but since I've started dieting I switched from a 12 oz. to an 8 oz. (A.K.A. a "Short"--oddly enough, not on the menu... but they DO exist!), and I never, ever get whipped cream. It's still not the BEST use of my caloric allotment for the day, but it's not the WORST. I love compromises.

My love for compromises and moderation can also explain why I just went to Arby's for a drive-thu dinner.

You should know, I believe that vegetarianism is the most humane and least costly lifestyle out there. HOWEVER, I am (well... was) the WORST vegetarian EVER, for about 9 months during my sophomore year of college. During this agonizing period of my life, I actually had a dream where I stole a big hunk of meat and ate it in a corner where nobody could see me. That's when I decided vegetarianism is just a (personal) lost cause. My body literally CRAVES meat. It's weird.

Anyway, another thing you should know is that I have a (not-so) secret love for CRAPPY, PROCESSED meat. Like shaved turkey a la Carl Buddig, or McDonald's cheeseburgers, or... Arby's Roast Beef Sandwiches (I LOVE those things). I know, I know... processed, factory-farm meats are inexcusable, disgusting, unsustainable, and basically a one-way ticket to Hell. But for some reason I've had trouble cutting my ties with them... their taste is just unlike any other! I can't explain it. I've got to give 'em up eventually, I realize this. I'm just not ready yet! Sigh.




Ahem. Back to dinner: The moderation aspect of my dinner today was that I'd order a Beef 'n Cheddar Deliciousness (440 calories... oops!), but skip the fries and pop. The compromise aspect of my dinner was that I'd ask for a nutrition guide at the drive-thru window, so that I could read it and thus remind myself why Arby's is a rare treat and not a dietary fixture in my life.

Well, guess what I found out??? Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar has TRANS FAT!!! I thought that stuff was practically outlawed! Their Apple Turnover (made from fresh apples, of course... not) has 6 GRAMS of Trans Fat!!! That's pretty much unheard of, isn't it?????

And Trans Fat is just the beginning! Their so-called "Market Fresh" Pecan Chicken Salad Wrap (a seemingly innocuous dish) has a ridiculous 740 CALORIES, and 46 GRAMS OF FAT!!!! That's like 3/4ths of an entire day's allotment of FAT! Eeeew!

Even their biggest, worst-for-you fatty delights (the Bacon Beef 'n Cheddar and the Chicken Cordon Bleu) have less than 600 calories and less than 30 grams of fat... what the HECK is in their "Market Fresh" wraps??? Lard straight from the butcher's block? There should for REALZZZ be a disclaimer on those things. I'd bet you my arm that people regularly choose the Pecan Chicken Salad Wrap because they think it is a "healthy alternative" to the other stuff Arby's has to offer. Poor, misguided saps. They're being duped!

TWISTS AND TURNS, UPS AND DOWNS

It's been awhile since I've written because things have been rough and I feel like I haven't had much to post about lately. I deal with depression, and for some reason or another, I am going through a spell of it right now. It's totally a chemical imbalance; the depression just kind of comes and goes when it pleases. Which is rather frustrating, as it can leave me feeling powerless over my own emotions. But at least I don't feel guilty about my sadness--I just have to wait it out in the healthiest and most positive manner possible.

My depression is nothing extreme--just general sadness, lack of motivation, and a weighty fatigue. Well, not so much actual fatigue, but rather the desire to sleep and do nothing all the time. I've been having MAJOR problems getting to work on time, due to sleeping in most days. Obviously, I need to get out of this rut.

Ironically, however, I'm pleased with how well I've been doing, despite it all. Usually, when I'm depressed it gets so bad that I just start skipping important events all together. And although I've been late a lot lately, I have not missed a single day of work thus far. So at least I'm dragging myself into the office eventually! Plus, I'm not crying all the time, which is positive. There have been times in my life where I've literally cried several times every day, over the stupidest things. I'm extremely grateful not to be there right now.

I truly think that the only reason I'm not falling apart completely is because of my new-found determination to live a more healthful, balanced lifestyle. Yay for SparkPeople! I can't express how helpful it's been the past two months! I know it's cheesy, but setting goals and having accountability and just knowing that I'm doing something good for myself is keeping me feeling pretty hopeful and level-headed, even on bad days. Right now I am merely treading water... But at least I'm not sinking!

There are a few things I need to do, though, in order to make sure this depression spell remains manageable:

1) Meet with my boss to discuss why my schedule has been erratic lately, and to brainstorm solutions. Since I'm technically an AmeriCorps member, my schedule is a little more flexible than the traditional 8:00-4:30 shift to which the rest of my office-mates adhere. Nevertheless, my lateness has been getting out of control the last two weeks and I don't want to end up falling out of favor with my very nice and understanding boss. We have a meeting set up for Friday to discuss this issue. Although I am scared about it, I think ultimately it will be a positive experience.

2) Talk to a counselor (I used to do this but it's been a year or two since I've gone to a psychologist). I don't want to adjust my medications unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary (I'm on a low dose of Celexa), but I do need to explore my options. Even just an impartial, listening ear would be of great help right now.

3) Continue to eat well and exercise, as well as strive to get more sleep! I recently made "Go to bed by 11:00 every weeknight" and "Get to work before 8:45" into new SparkPeople Goals, so I think this will add a bit of extra motivation to my daily feats of getting up and out the door.

I will keep you updated, on my goals, as well as on life in general. I feel better even as I write this!

GRATITUDE: FROM FEBRUARY 1ST, 2009

Today I am writing a list of ten things for which I am grateful:

1) I am grateful for my boyfriend, who is goofy and thinks I am cute, and who is constantly writing to-do lists.

2) I'm grateful for my friends, Dan and Dave and Maggie, who are an endless source of amusing conversation.

3) I'm grateful for the fact that each day is a chance to start anew.

4) I'm grateful that I can learn about Qi Gong, Reiki, reflexology, and other types of energy healing.

5) I'm grateful for my job, which is giving me a chance to test my abilities and form new habits.

6) I'm grateful for Lake Superior and the beautiful surroundings in which I live.

7) I'm grateful for my cat, who finds interest in the most ordinary things.

8) I'm grateful for the elderly, for children, and for people who come from different backgrounds than mine. They all remind me to look outside myself.

9) I'm grateful for religions of all kinds, and that I have the freedom to explore them.

10) I'm grateful for my family, my friends, for the human race and for all the animals, for each plant and each stone. I'm grateful for the miraculous and mysterious web that is creation. I am eternally grateful that the gift of life has been bestowed upon me. But mostly I am grateful for love.

Blessed Be.

MY FREAKING CAT

My cat is quite possibly the only "companion animal" on Earth that RAISES blood pressure!!! I got her 2.5 years ago as a companion pet to help with my depression, thinking that pretty much any cat could qualify as one of those.

[Although, in all honesty, I basically just wanted a cat and my apartment building wouldn't allow one without an Official Doctor's Note... I know, it's wrong to exaggerate one's depression. But it's also a stupid rule!]

ANYWAY, as I was saying: Never, ever, EVER, adopt a formerly stray cat who needs a home after living with 6 college boys who took it in off the streets and then pretty much just hosted parties in their enormous house while the cat shredded up endless rolls of toilet paper to keep itself entertained...

Because, if you DO make that mistake, you will end up owning one of the most DEVIOUS cats in The History of [wo]Mankind!!! A cat who can open drawers, shred cardboard boxes, and destroy Kleenexes in a heartbeat... even AFTER it's de-clawed!!!

In all seriousness, I'm pretty sure my cat has opposable thumbs. On more than one occasion she has unscrewed the cover of a fish-food container. HOW?!?

Anyway, I write this note because, for the past two hours, I have been listening to her incessant, loud meeeEEEEEOOOOOOOOOoows from the other side of my bedroom door. It would be practically heartbreaking... if I didn't know the nature of the beast.

Perhaps a more naive individual would pity her and let her in. But not I! Because I know that the MICROSECOND after I open up that door, she will jump on my desk (the one place in the WHOLE HOUSE that she is not allowed!) and I will be forced to spray her with a squirt bottle until she jumps down.

But it will not end there... Oh, no. Because she will keep jumping up and I will keep spraying her down, again and again and AGAIN, until my jaw and fists are both clenched in rage... And then, the next time she jumps up (because there always is a next time), she will make me SO MAD that I will have to leave the room (for fear that I will reach my breaking point and actually kill her or do something else stupid that I regret, like pop a blood vessel in my brain). And, at that moment, SHE HAS WON.

And I think she knows it, too...

CURSES!!! CECILIA... CAT OR DEVIL ?

FIGURING STUFF OUT

so i realize that life is just a series of challenges and changes, but i must say that i feel like the one i'm going through right now is rather large. i started my first-ever full time job almost exactly a month ago (december 15th), and i am really struggling to keep my life in order.

i'm not exactly depressed, although i'm feeling overwhelmed and slightly frustrated that this life transition hasn't been smoother. i have trouble waking up on time (in order to catch the bus i have to be up by 5 o'clock in the morning) and even more trouble getting to work at the appropriate hour. my enthusiasm/work ethic waxes and wanes once i'm at the office, and by time i get home from an eight hour day, i'm absolutely exhausted... yet somehow i still don't manage to fall asleep until midnight! it's like a vicious cycle. is this really what the adult life is like???

i feel like i could be doing a better job of it (life in general) if i just figured out how to be self-disciplined. keeping myself on a schedule is hard, and it always has been. the next few months, that is my goal -- to develop my self-discipline. i think i'd be a lot happier... less tired, less frazzled, and healthier in a myriad of ways.

after all, there are many things i value (inner peace, dependability, spiritual practice) that are virtually invisible to someone who is viewing my life from the outside. and what good is a guiding principle if no one knows about it but you? values are meant to be expressed through your actions and your life's work, right? at least that's how i see it.

LIFE IS FRUSTRATING

so i guess i have no real problems. i mean, i have food, shelter, love, all that crap. but somehow i am just stuck in "bleh" mode. it has been REALLY hard to motivate myself lately. i just don't get it... am i the laziest bastard in the world? but if that were the case, wouldn't i be CONTENT with my lack of motivation? because i am not. it pisses me off, actually. but somehow the mental inertia is so great that i am still feeling stuck, despite my desire to get moving.

i know it may sound whiney, but SERIOUSLY, sometimes the disability doesn't help me to feel motivated. yesterday i wasted three whole hours getting off the freaking toilet. not all at once, of course, but throughout the day there was a half-hour here, 40 minutes there... it just gets old, you know? it ALMOST makes me want to get a Personal Care Attendant.... it would save me a hella lotta time. but i just don't want that at this point in my life.

isn't it stupid how something as seemingly insignificant as the bathroom can become such a HUGE deal? welcome to Cripdom.

ok, enough ranting for now.