TWISTS AND TURNS, UPS AND DOWNS

It's been awhile since I've written because things have been rough and I feel like I haven't had much to post about lately. I deal with depression, and for some reason or another, I am going through a spell of it right now. It's totally a chemical imbalance; the depression just kind of comes and goes when it pleases. Which is rather frustrating, as it can leave me feeling powerless over my own emotions. But at least I don't feel guilty about my sadness--I just have to wait it out in the healthiest and most positive manner possible.

My depression is nothing extreme--just general sadness, lack of motivation, and a weighty fatigue. Well, not so much actual fatigue, but rather the desire to sleep and do nothing all the time. I've been having MAJOR problems getting to work on time, due to sleeping in most days. Obviously, I need to get out of this rut.

Ironically, however, I'm pleased with how well I've been doing, despite it all. Usually, when I'm depressed it gets so bad that I just start skipping important events all together. And although I've been late a lot lately, I have not missed a single day of work thus far. So at least I'm dragging myself into the office eventually! Plus, I'm not crying all the time, which is positive. There have been times in my life where I've literally cried several times every day, over the stupidest things. I'm extremely grateful not to be there right now.

I truly think that the only reason I'm not falling apart completely is because of my new-found determination to live a more healthful, balanced lifestyle. Yay for SparkPeople! I can't express how helpful it's been the past two months! I know it's cheesy, but setting goals and having accountability and just knowing that I'm doing something good for myself is keeping me feeling pretty hopeful and level-headed, even on bad days. Right now I am merely treading water... But at least I'm not sinking!

There are a few things I need to do, though, in order to make sure this depression spell remains manageable:

1) Meet with my boss to discuss why my schedule has been erratic lately, and to brainstorm solutions. Since I'm technically an AmeriCorps member, my schedule is a little more flexible than the traditional 8:00-4:30 shift to which the rest of my office-mates adhere. Nevertheless, my lateness has been getting out of control the last two weeks and I don't want to end up falling out of favor with my very nice and understanding boss. We have a meeting set up for Friday to discuss this issue. Although I am scared about it, I think ultimately it will be a positive experience.

2) Talk to a counselor (I used to do this but it's been a year or two since I've gone to a psychologist). I don't want to adjust my medications unless it's ABSOLUTELY necessary (I'm on a low dose of Celexa), but I do need to explore my options. Even just an impartial, listening ear would be of great help right now.

3) Continue to eat well and exercise, as well as strive to get more sleep! I recently made "Go to bed by 11:00 every weeknight" and "Get to work before 8:45" into new SparkPeople Goals, so I think this will add a bit of extra motivation to my daily feats of getting up and out the door.

I will keep you updated, on my goals, as well as on life in general. I feel better even as I write this!